I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
