I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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