I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
