How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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