I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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