What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
