Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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