Jerry, you need to find god
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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