walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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