You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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