What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shame - the story of my life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
