my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
