I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
