I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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