I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
