There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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