Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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