So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
