I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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