Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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