Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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