is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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