Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
