I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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