We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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