I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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