i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
