okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
