He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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