come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
