I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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