He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
