If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
