there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
