when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
