She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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