i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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