I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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