if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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