I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
