also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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