This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
