Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
