i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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