I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize