I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
