i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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