Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
