he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
