When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
