woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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