State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
