fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
