Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
