Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
