Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
