I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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